Subconsciously Flipping Shit
A note on how I feel about the election and not doing drugs
No surprise but the election is freaking me the fuck out.
I don’t see the point in actively thinking about it but it’s there creeping. At first at the back of my mind, now taking up probably 90% of the neurons I have left.
Every election—midterms, local races, you name it—I have a tradition of getting high. As sedated as possible, preferably. This year I’ve apparently chosen sobriety, but as the 5th approaches, I’m really questioning my decision.
Why the fuck not nod out on the couch while Donny T’s terrifying grip on the majority of the voting populace proves its strength once again?
I don’t know.
I don’t have a lot of faith in myself to pull through that night and/or the following days without a little something something. But maybe I will!
Two nights ago I came home after a long day of intensely “burning desire” (as NA calls it), pretty ready to lie down and escape thought for the rest of the night. I did escape, but rather than an artificially induced, lonely dive into my pillows, my housemates and I cooked an elaborate soup, roasted pumpkin seeds, and listened to an oddly curated Halloween playlist on Spotify. And then I fell asleep.
Two nights ago was Halloween, a night I’m sure holds memories for many in recovery. To any of you who read this, I hope it passed smoothly.
For me, Halloween has always been sweet. Sleepy Hollow born and raised, my nostalgia is filled with the smell of fallen leaves and the spookiness that has seeped into our souls through the history (imagined or real) of the village.
October, however, is a hard month for me. Lots of anniversaries. Lots of loss and grief. For friends lost and for my own physical autonomy. It’s a shame because of how beautiful a month it is. But I’m always relieved on the first of November.
I’m at the Lucky Dog in Williamsburg, listening to Yo La Tengo and the banter of some kids in the opposite corner of the beer garden. The pinball machine blinked “Say No To Drugs” and now I feel like I’m really losing it oops.
If I think about the election I think of my sister, who’s five, and what the implications of a Trump presidency might mean for her. She’s in California and I’m in New York, two states I don’t really worry for in terms of state policy. But the uncertainty of anything in America’s future really hits when I think of her growing up as a woman in a country that might not see her as a full citizen. I also think about the environment she’s growing up in—forest fire central—and how the policies of either candidate will do little to abate the ‘natural’ disasters caused by climate change.
Regardless of who wins on Tuesday, this is a difficult time. A difficult time to be in your 20s (or any age), and certainly a difficult time to say no to drugs. I’m just trying to constantly remind myself of the anxiety that follows any high, and the fortitude of a brain that is not confused by foreign substances. If things go south at least I can remain an ok boy.